


"The Moment I Said It"

by AliceNightmary



Series: Just Another Angsty Story With Tony [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Drinking, I tried to write a songfic, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, OH MY GOD TRIGGER WARNING, Songfic, Suicide, This Is Sad, i think, prescribed medication, trigger warning, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 03:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11431896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceNightmary/pseuds/AliceNightmary
Summary: "Steve, please. It's not even light out." Steve could hear the worry in his husband's voice, but he didn't care. He could feel how tight he was holding onto the car keys as he stood in front of their door. He was a few feet away from grabbing the knob, but the only reason he hadn't reached it yet was because Tony was in the way. He saw tears filling the other's eyes, but again, he didn't care. Not after what just came out of his lover's mouth."Move, Stark."





	"The Moment I Said It"

**Author's Note:**

> So heyyy! My first songfic!... Or it was my intention to write a songfic. Hope you like it!
> 
> Any mistakes are mine!
> 
> Song is called "The Moment I said it" by Imogen Heap.
> 
> TRIGGER TREIGGER WARNINGS. PLEASE READ THE TAGS.
> 
> I HAVE WARNED YOU.

"Steve, please. It's not even light out." Steve could hear the worry in his husband's voice, but he didn't care. He could feel how tight he was holding onto the car keys as he stood in front of their door. He was a few feet away from grabbing the knob, but the only reason he hadn't reached it yet was because Tony was in the way. He saw tears filling the other's eyes, but again, he didn't care. Not after what just came out of his lover's mouth.

"Move, Stark."

Steve saw how Tony flinched when he heard his maiden name, but stood stubbornly in front of him. Tony clutched the front of his grey Black Sabbath shirt that Steve hated, but endured because he loved his husband more than he hated the shirt.

"No.. Steve, I didn't mean it. Just put back the car keys, or somebody's gonna get hurt."

Steve scoffed, clenching the keys tighter. "Like you care. Didn't you just say 'Maybe it was better if you stayed in the ocean'? I think you made it very clear how you feel about me." He scowled.

Tony shook his head and grabbed his waist to hold him tightly close. "I didn't mean it. The moment I said.. I.. Please, Steve. Honey? I was angry and I hadn't taken m-my pills, and I know that's not an excuse, but I really didn't mean that. You know I don't." He buried his face against Steve's chest. " Please, don't go. L-Let's sleep. It's really late."

"I said 'move', Stark." He pushed his husband away. Steve didn't think he used much strength, but it must have been hard enough to slam Tony against the wall when he did. A part of him wanted to apologize, but he was still pissed off at what Tony said. He knew how Steve still had nightmares of the plane crash from a few years ago when he was traveling back from seeing his friend Sam and his wife. He was lucky enough to have survived the crash let alone survive on an inflatable raft with seven others until rescue came three days later without any food and water. What Tony said was a low blow and he didn't know if he could ever forgive him for it. Yeah, Tony hadn't taken his anti-depressants, but like he said. That wasn't an excuse to say such a horrible thing.

Tony slid down to the ground and looked up and Steve almost dropped the keys in his hands. Tears were streaming down his face and he reached out to grab hold of Steve's wrist. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Steve. I didn't mean it. Don't go, please don't go." He began to sob.

Steve grit his teeth and pulled away, opening the door. "I'm not coming home. I'll be gone for a few days to clear my head. Pretty sure there's enough food to last you. I'll bring groceries when I come back."

"Ste-"

"No, Tony. What you said was fucking horrible. I can't believe that came out of your mouth. You.. I can't even look at you right now. You just said I would be better off dead."

"No, baby, no. I didn't. I was just so mad, I wasn't thinking. Please." Tony reached again.

"That's like me saying 'I wish you were never rescued from your kidnappers'."

Tony froze and stared up at him. Lowering his arm. Steve cursed internally, but it was the truth. He had put up with so much after that day when they were still in high school. Tony was taken and missing for almost a year. When he was found, he was different. Of course no one remains the same after suffering a traumatic experience. His boyfriend back then barely left the house after that. The only time he had left was to take tests and Walk when he graduated. That was it. For assignments to turn in, Steve was the one to bring it in after visiting his boyfriend everyday. 

Tony never told him what had happened, but he could make a guess by the way he jumped when anyone, even Steve, tried to touch him. It took months before Steve was allowed to lay a hand on him without causing Tony to flinch.

Tony looked down and Steve decided that it was time to leave. He walked out and closed it before he could be stopped. He walked to his car, opened it, and got in. He didn't look back at the house. He needed and wanted time away from Tony. They could talk when he got back. He started the car and drove off.

His phone rang immediately, but he ignored it. Tony should have known better, being married for 5 years, that Steve never used his phone while driving. He let it ring. When it was done, he parked on the side of the road and dialed Bucky's number.

"'Ello?" Steve could hear his childhood friend's groggy voice.

"Don't tell me you're sleeping Buck" he chuckled.

"God, Steve? The hell you doing calling at this ungodly hour?" 

"Wanna go out for a few drinks? Or I could buy a few beers and bring them over if you're too tired."

"Drinking? I mean, I guess. I'm always up for that. Hold on." he could hear a little shuffling. "Just give me a few minutes to get ready. Where are we meeting?"

"Actually, I'm going to pick you up."

"You're a married man, Stevie. Tryin'a make your fella jealous?" Bucky snorted. 

"I'll be there in 15 minutes." Steve stopped himself from sighing.

"Yeah, see you."

He hung up.

 

**[ . . .]**

 

"So, why are we drinking again?" Bucky downed a shot of Vodka and grimaced.

"Your face says it's disgusting and yet you order it every time." Steve laughed softly.

"Shut up, punk. Now answer my question." He got the bartender's attention. "Another, please!"

Steve looked at his untouched Brandy. Drinking seemed like the best decision at the time, but now, he didn't want to take one sip. "Tony and I had a fight."

"Oh my god, Stevie, really?"

"What?" He looked up from his drink.

"You two had a fight and you're out drinking while he's home alone. You know how he is, why are you here and not at home trying to make up?"

"He said.." Steve shook his head. He could feel the sting of the tears he was trying to blink back. He took a deep breathe and sighed before explaining their fight. He didn't mean it, god he didn't. He shouldn't have said what he said either about Tony's kidnapping, but he was hurt and angry. 

That wasn't an excuse either.

Steve remembered the look Tony gave him and how he lowered his arm. He should have stayed home. He should have reached out for his hand. He should have, but he didn't. 

"Steve.. You guys have been married a little over 5 years now. Never had a fight, not once until today. You both said some pretty nasty things, but do you still love him."

Steve snapped his head up. "Of course! He's my husband."

"Then get your ass out of here and go home. You're sober and clear headed. Go and talk to him and don't run away this time."

"I didn't run away. And I drove you here.. At least let me take you home."

Bucky chuckled and looked around the bar. " I have my eyes on a fella of my own. I think I'll be fine."

Steve rolled his eyes, but got up. "Good luck, Buck."

"You need it more than I do."

Steve's lips twitched to a smile as he walked out of the bar. Before getting in the car, he checked his phone. He got plenty of missed calls and voice messages from Tony, but he could talk to him face to face. He didn't want to make up over the phone. 

he got in the car, heading home this time.

 

**[ . . . ]**

 

Steve opened the door gently and checked behind it to see if Tony was still on the floor. Thankfully he wasn't, but hopefully he wasn't asleep. The lights in the living room and kitchen were off so Tony wasn't in any of those rooms. That left the bedroom upstairs.

He walked up and turned to the bedroom and saw that Tony wasn't it bed. He was momentarily confused until he noticed the light coming from underneath the door of the bathroom. Walking closer, he heard the shower running. 

"Tony?" He called out.

No answer.

Steve frowned. Was Tony giving him the silent treatment? That was new, but then again, they never had a fight before today. Maybe that was Tony's way of retaliating. 

"Tony, sweetheart... I'm sorry for what I said when I left. I didn't mean it and I know you didn't mean what you said either. I'm sorry, love. I regretted it the moment I said it. I love you. I love you so much, Tony."

There was still no answer.

Steve sighed and tried to open the bathroom door, but it was locked. That was also new, but Steve didn't question it.  

"Tony.. Tony I love you. I know you're upset and you have every right to be.. I'm going to bed. Please join me when you're done?"

Just like before, Tony didn't answer him. Steve's chest ached, but he deserved it. He could handle this and when he wakes up in the morning, he'll cook Tony's favorite for breakfast and bring it to bed for him. They could talk then, for now, sleep.

Steve walked towards their bed and laid down, facing towards the bathroom. He hoped Tony would come out while he was still awake.

It never happened.

 

**[ . . . ]**

 

Steve groaned as he was woken up by his alarm. He reached over to the nightstand next to him and turned it off. Opening his eyes, he turned around to say good morning to his husband, but frowned. Tony wasn't there.

Suddenly the sound of running water hit him. Tony was in the bathroom? Tony would never wake up before Steve. He enjoyed sleep when he got it. Usually Steve would be the one to drag his lover out of bed. What was Tony doing up and showering?

Unless he never left the shower..

He bolted out of the bed as if ice water was dumped on him, as if he was in that horrid plane crash all over again. He ran towards the door and gave it a good kick. The wood cracked and he kicked it again. "Tony!" 

_Please, God. Please let him be all right._

After the third kick, Steve was finally able to break down the door, but all the energy he had was drained. He slowly staggered towards their bathtub.

"Tony? Baby? Baby?" His voice was just a whisper. He couldn't bring himself to raise it. he couldn't bring himself to-

"Oh god, no! God!" He cried out as he knelt down in front of his husband. "God, please!"

Tony was laying in the tub, a bottle of his anti-depressants in one hand and in the other a kitchen knife. Steve couldn't look at his cut up arms, but he also couldn't tear his eyes away from his lover. He wept as he got in the tub to cradle him in his arms, holding him tightly close. He didn't care if he got wet or if he got dirty from the blo- There was no blood. All was washed away by the shower. Washed away while Tony had been laying here, dead, for hours. 

"God, no, please! Tony!" Steve continued to wail. How long had he been in the shower?

Could he have saved him?

"Baby!"

He didn't mean it.

Steve got up and carried Tony out of their shower and out of the bathroom to reach the house phone. "H-Hold on, sweetheart, I'm getting help." He tried to dial 911, but his hands were shaking too much.

"I'm so sorry, baby. D-Don't worry, you'll be all right."

No he won't. It's too late. Steve knows this.

It was too late as soon as the moment he said it.

 

 

 

"911 what's your emergency?"

 

 

 

 

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Hey, baby. I know what I said.. Was terrible. I'm sorry. Please call back?"_

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Steve? Steve, please pick up. You're scaring me to death. I-I know I just called a few minutes ago, but please answer me."_

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Steve, I love you."_

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Steve? I-I did something stupid a-and I should call an ambulance, but.. But I also don't want to. Steve?"_

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Steve? I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it. I love you so much, Steve. It hurt a lot in the beginning, but my arms feel a but numb now. It's tolerable. I really love you, Stevie. I'm sorry you had to put up with someone like me for a long time. I can't believe you still wanted me after I was... Well, it's okay, Stevie. I won't be a bother to you anymore. I won't hurt you ever again. I'm sorry, Steve."_

 

**"Hi, this is Steve. I can't get to the phone right now, so can you leave a message and I'll get to you right back. Promise! Thank you!"**

 

_"Good night, baby. I love you. I'm going to sleep now, okay?"_

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY. IT JUST... THIS WAS AN IDEA AND I KNEW I COULDN'T GET THE NEXT CHAPTER OF "Will any of you want me back again" SO I WROTE THIS.... INSTEAD... I'M SO SORRY.
> 
> ALSO, I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 24 HOURS. SO THIS WAS BORN FROM LACK OF SLEEP..
> 
> I'M SORRY


End file.
